Day of the Holograms
by Andy0001z
Summary: Drifting lost in space Rimmer notices something huge on the scanner. It turns out to be an off world shopping mall so big you could fit all the malls of the world into it and still have room for every Carpetright centre in the UK.
1. Gone Shopping

**Hi, this fic is set after back to earth. Therefore Rimmer does have Hardlight and Holly is still out of action. I hope you like it is a bit of a wink to Dawn of the Dead but not enough to make it a cross over. Reviews / comments welcome.**

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_Drive Room 2200hrs_

Lister ambles into the room and spots Rimmer leaning over the scanner.

"What ya doing man? Not seen you all afternoon." said Lister walking over to look over Rimmers shoulder.

Rimmer glanced over his shoulder at Lister who was trying to make out what he was looking at.

"There is something out there, something big." Said Rimmer in his serious voice.

"Big huh, how big?" said Lister loosing interest in the scanner and flopping down into the seat behind him.

"Bigger than Red Dwarf." Stated Rimmer looking back at the screen.

"What like moon big?" asked Lister

"Bigger." Replied Rimmer.

"So what is it?" asked Lister.

"I don't know, that is why I have been monitoring the scanner all afternoon while you Lister have been most likely slobbing all day?" Said Rimmer looking at the series of dots on the screen.

"Cat and I played a few games to pass the time, you know some of the classics we did on Starbug back before we got the Dwarf back. Cat won the count your eyelashes, but I was closest for guess the weight of button fluff in the jar." Said Lister reaching to his hat and pulling a rolled up cigarette out of it.

Rimmer without looking pointed to the sign above the desk which clearly indicated smoking was not allowed.

Lister promptly ignored this advice and lit up.

"Have you asked Holly?" said Lister

Rimmer turned to face Lister his face clearly showing that he was not amused. "Lister you know full well that Holly is still not operational. Last week when we attempted to turn him back on after the dry out he promptly set off all 4000 ship wide smoke alarms and began singing I am a little Christmas tree you can't cut me. So no, I have not asked the genius computer that is Holly!"

"Alright keep your hair on. How far out is it?" asked Lister.

Rimmer glanced back at the screen. "About 4000 clicks, at this speed we should come into short range scanner by the morning."

Lister got up and stretched. "Right in that case, I am going to do some research down the bar, have fun Rimmer." He walked out leaving Rimmer still bent over the scanner.

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0600 hrs Sleeping quarters.

Rimmer burst into the room, his whole body shook with excitement. He looked over at Lister who was cuddling a can of wicked strength larger in his sleep. He should wake him and tell him the news, but why spoil the fun. Rimmer walked up to his personal draw and pulled out what he was looking for and left.

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1430hrs Sleeping quarters

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Lister sat down at the grey steel table and sipped at his tea. He noticed that Rimmer was not in his bunk but that was no great surprise for this time of the day. At times like this is particularly did miss Holly, in the old days he could just ask him where Rimmer was, but now he had to find out the standard boring way and go look for him.

He got up and looked in the mirror, god he looked awful. That last can of larger had hit the sweet spot alright and now he was paying for it with a one way trip to is that cock roach shuffling to loud city.

Kryten came into the room in his normal chirpy self.

"Afternoon sir, good to see you up and looking fresh. I have some breakfast for you, your normal mid afternoon pick me up, 4 eggs on a white bread with 6 rashers of bacon smeared with brown sauce and just a dash of curry paste. Well actually I'd be lying if I said a dash, these days I tend to go through a jar a meal." Said Kryten setting the offending item on the table.

Lister turned "Great Kryten, I'm staving." Said Lister sitting down to eat.

After a couple of bites he sighed, '_that was more like it_.' He thought.

"Cheers Kryters, good breakfast." He said with several bits of food dropping from his open mouth.

Kryten thought '_now was as good as anytime to tell him_.'

"Sir, it appears Mr Rimmer has taken Starbug 1 and left the ship."

Lister looked up. "Any idea where he's gone?" asked Lister sounding totally unconcerned. It was not uncommon for Rimmer to go of like that.

"Well, he was pretty excited about the space mall we are orbiting when I last saw him." Said Kryten.

Lister was not sure he heard him right. "Space mall? So that's what it was. Err Kryten what's a space mall then ?"

"In the 22nd century they built them off world. People's desire to shop went out of control and there simply was not space left on planets to meet the ever increasing demands of the shopper. They are mega mall structures that in effect are self contained environments that allow people work, live, shop and die." Said Kryten mopping up the now finished plate of Listers.

"So you're telling me he's gone shopping?" said Lister.

Kryten nodded.

"What's wrong with the mall on board Red Dwarf?" asked Lister.

"Sir you have no idea the draw these things have, they are like the holy land for goods. Every single thing you could want is there, why some people go to these places and are never seen again. They also stock a large range of Hologram luxury items." Informed Kryten.

"Luxury items?" enquired Lister.

Kryten looked slightly embarrassed. "Oh please don't make me explain, you humans have such strange nocturnal habits."

"Oh." Said Lister the sudden realisation of what Luxury items might mean. "Well then, we better get the Cat and go shopping." Said Lister grinning.

**Next time: Rimmer finds the store he wants and Kryten makes a discovery.**


	2. Can I help you sir?

The three of them sat in Red Dwarfs spare Starbug, the Cat who was dressed in a white full length coat and tiger pattern boats steered them towards the mega mall.

"There it is, isn't she a bute?" said Kryten pointing at the huge mass of metal and glass.

"WOW, that things big." Said the Cat stating the obvious.

"Indeed, scanners suggest it is four and half times bigger than Red Dwarf if not bigger." Confirmed Kryten.

"What's it doing out here in deep space? I mean I know out of town shopping was the in thing but this is taking things a wee bit too far." asked Lister.

"Best guess, it lost it's space anchor and was sling shoted out towards the edge of the universe." Said Kryten.

Lister sat back placing his hands behind his head and said. "Well, let's break open the credit card crowbar and go shopping. Take us in Cat."

The small craft was totally dwarfed by the mall. As they approached one of the many landing bays they could read the huge glowing sign welcoming them.

'Welcome to Blue Water off world Mega mall. Making shopping your life.'

"Hey I've lost manual." Proclaimed the Cat.

"It's OK sir, it's just the malls own auto pilot taking over. We are quite safe." Said Kryten.

The Cat looked out at the huge parking dock. "Do you think anyone is home?" he grinned.

Lister raised an eyebrow. "If Rimmer has gone alone, there is a good bet it is devoid of life and danger, that scum bag would not risk his neck going in alone otherwise ."

"Indeed sir, it does appear completely empty, scans report no life signs, however it does seem that the station is still operational and has limited power." Reported Kryten.

The three of them walked to the greeting station were an info sign greeted them in an absurdly chirpy voice.

"Welcome to Blue Water off world Mega mall, we hope you enjoy your stay and would remind you that we never close. Have a nice shop."

"Weird." Said Lister entering an almost entry area. He spotted a map on the wall. "Hey guys take a look at this, this place has everything. Look there is even a McKebab, I love those guys." Said Lister looking excited.

The Cat scanned the map. "Hey, this place is a Cats paradise. They have every designer ever known here, and over 200 beauty parlours. AWwooooow somebody pinch me, because I think I'm dreaming." Said the Cat dancing on the spot.

"Sirs, I suggest we stay together, there is a real danger of getting lost." Flustered Kryten.

"Relax Dad, look see here on the map, that big central area, we will meet there at 1900hrs, that's 4 hours away." Said Lister pointing to the map.

"OK, but I recommend we each take a walkie talkie just in case." Said Kryten handing a unit to each of them.

"What, just in case we get attacked by the killer security tags, actually scrub I said that knowing our luck that probably would happen." Said Lister.

The Cat had moved to the next room. "Hey guys, come look at these." He called.

Lister and Kryten found the Cat riding a small white golf cart in which he was pulling wheelies and spins around the cart parking area.

Lister grinned. "Nice, very nice."

The three of them each climbed into a cart of their own and set off down the ramp and into the mall. As they entered the main mall area they stopped the carts and stared around in wonder.

"Oh my." Said Kryten

"AWwoooowww." said the Cat.

"Now that's pretty smegging cool." Said Lister

Before them stretched not only row upon row of smooth glass fronted stores but also floor upon floor of them. In fact Lister was not sure he could see the top floor, it just seemed to go on and on for ever. In the middle a central shaft ran up, with dozens of glass elevators. The smooth marble floor stretched on and on before them, and the number of tropical plants made this place look more like a jungle back on earth.

"This place is massive!" stated Lister looking up and down the expanse before them.

"Indeed it is, and remember this is only one of 24 island malls on the Mall planetoid." Said Kryten.

The Cat look at the others alarmed. "24, man if I had known I would of brought my leg waxing kit as well as the hair tongs I have already brought."

Lister looked down at the carts on board shopper assist system screen. He tapped it experimentally and noticed it offered him a series of search options. He selected the one for the McKebab and hit go. His cart burst into life and set off on auto pilot. Lister called over his shoulder to the others. "See you at seven!"

The Cat followed suit and he too was soon speeding away towards his chosen destination.

Kryten tapped his screen. "Hmmm let's see" He ignored the standard search and hit the advanced option. "Arrhh that's more like it." He scanned the options and found what he was looking for. '_Operations and Control Centre'_ he hit the go button and sped off.

Rimmer walked along the marble walkway on level 24. He had decided to leave the cart at the elevator and go for a stroll. He was starting to regret it, for two reasons. The first was just the simple fact that this place was huge and he had been walking for 20 minutes and still had not left the mobile communicator section. He could swear he had passed over 400 hundred different types of outlets for these devices, he had no idea there was so many. The second was that although the scanner had reported that there was no life in the mall, he had the distinct feeling he was being watched.

At last he found the store he was looking for. '2003 Useful Add-ons for your Hard light Hologram.' Stated the shop sign.

Rimmer grinned and stepped through the open shop front. As he crossed the threshold a voice greeted him.

"Thank you for shopping, please take your time, we are sure you will find…." The voice cut off mid sentence. '_That's odd, but then it was millions of years since last active duty so not really surprising.' _thought Rimmer.

He began to look around the shop. His eyes fell upon a nearby shelf. On it a series of cards read

'Hard light update 2004hb30a – Enhances strength and performance'

'_Interesting_' thought Rimmer.

He read the next.

'Hard light update 2006hb23b – Night vision

'_Now that sounded fun_.' Thought Rimmer.

He picked up the two small boxes associated with the items and continued to look round the store. As he walked up and down the many isles he began to feel worried again. It almost feel like something was following him, but when he looked around there was nothing there. The panic inside him began to grow and grow, soon he was too afraid to look over his shoulder and just walked briskly on. He noticed the optional clothes section and headed for a tightly packed section and just as he passed it he parted the hanging jackets and slid between the soft holo fabric. He made a mental note to try one on once he had found out who or what was following him around. He waited in silence.

A fall ten minutes passed and still nothing. Rimmer decided to wait another ten, just to be doubly sure it was his mind playing tricks.

Ten further minutes passed, still no sound, nothing. He took a deep breath and said out loud from behind the black jacket he was clutching.

"Look, I don't know who or what you are, but you better know I am a rather well known space adventurer and I'm pretty dam scary." Said Rimmer in a slightly nervous sounding voice.

A small voice replied to this statement of bravado from the outside his hiding place. "In that case sir may I suggest we take a walk over the Space Adventurer accessory isle."

Rimmer gulped at hearing the voice but something deep inside told him it did not sound like a large space monster or an intergalactic alien ready to rip his insides out. No in fact it sounded rather small and if honest a bit helpful. Rimmer plucked up every once of courage he had and poked his head out between the hanging jackets.

"Hello sir, please don't be alarmed, I am here for your connivance, please place any items in my basket and I will automatically display a running total." Reported the hovering shopping basket in a small helpful voice.

Rimmer sighed with relief and recomposed himself. He stepped out from his hiding place and addressed the basket. "Oh, very good then, here." He popped the two boxes he was still holding in to the basket.

"Thank you, please continue to shop and I will be nearby when required." Stated the basket.

Rimmer thought how silly he had been, frightened of a shopping basket, he grinned and thought. '_Yes indeedee this place was indeed special._'

He continued to browse the many shelves and displays with all sorts of wonders that he had no idea what they would be used for.

Finally at last he found what he was looking for. In front of him was blue terminal covered in what looked like white crosses on a green background. The device had a sign stating.

'Improve your look today, get Holo surgery right here right now.'

Rimmer was fairly happy with his face, but he had always thought that the downstairs department could do with a slight re-adjustment. He tapped the screen.

'Welcome to Holo surgery 404, here we can interface with your lightbee program and make all the adjustments you require for a small fee. Please select the body part you wish to improve. Don't forget all our surgery is totally painless and your money back if you're not totally happy with the results.'

'_Well, you could not ask more than that._' Thought Rimmer.

On screen was a 'scan & see' option. Temptation got the better of him and Rimmer pressed the button. A blue strobe light came out from the machine and traced up and down his body. As he watched a 3D picture of him slowly displayed on the screen.

Rimmer grinned, next he selected the body part he wanted to adjust which resulted in the image zooming in on his groin area. Rimmer could not help but feel embarrassed and shot a glance over his shoulder to check no one was watching. '_What was he worried about, there is no one here._' He thought and continued on with the adjustment as the device called it.

Rimmers adjustment option could be shrunk or expanded. Two arrow buttons allowed him to experiment. Rimmer pressed the right arrow and watched as his nether regions expanded to elephant proportions, the device flashed up a warning.

'Warning – Extremity is too large!'

Rimmer tapped the left arrow to make it more realistic, however it was clearly a more sizeable package that he had before. Grinning like a Cheshire cat he tapped the add to basket button and waited for the program to cost the adjustment up.

'Adjustment fee = 17,500 Dollar Pounds'

Rimmer took a step back. '_My god that is a lot of money, but I guess money well spent._' He thought and clicked the checkout button.

A series of contractual warnings flashed up on the screen, mostly about no liability with reference to holo matrix corruptions etc. Rimmer held the down arrow and found the end some four pages later, then hit the 'I Accept' button without reading any of it.

Lister had found the McKebab shop closed, well not so much closed but rather understaffed, so he decided to check out something else. He tapped the on board map and located the music section. He pressed go and the cart sped off in a new direction.

Lister watched as row upon row of shops sped past, until finally his cart slowed and stopped outside a huge fronted store that proclaimed.

'IF GOD MADE IT – WE GOT IT!'

Lister thought. '_That's a pretty big claim._' But hopped off his cart and strolled inside.

The entrance way greeting fired into life and music blasted from two huge speakers on either side of the doorway.

Then a male vocal singers voice began to sign in a classic rock ballad style. "Welcome to our store, where you can listen and play mooooreeee!"

"Nice!" said Lister and walked in.

The Cat having found the same problem as Lister that none of the beauty salons were manned had decided to go clothes shopping.

He pulled up outside a store with a sign in glittery gold letters.

'Retro World, If it's funky we got it!'

"Hey, funky is my sixth favourite thing." He said as he funked into the store.

He got about 10 paces before he saw it, and was fixed to the spot. In front of him stood the biggest widest, smoothest mirror he had ever seen.

He stood there transfixed until a small voice made him turn around slowly.

"Excuse me sir, but can I be of assistance?" asked the small small red plastic shopping basket that floated a short distance away.

"What, Errr sure, I need clothes, stylish clothes and lots of them!" screeched the Cat.

"I am afraid I am unable to select clothes for you sir as I lack both programming and the physical means to retrieve them. You require a assistant sir." Said the basket.

"Sure, get me one of those." Replied the Cat loosing interest.

"I am afraid all shop assistants are offline currently." Stated the basket.

"Never mind, I'm still admiring my beautiful body, don't you think I'm a gift from the gods." Asked the Cat.

"Sir if I was programmed with style knowledge do you think I would still be doing this job, I mean It's hardly aspiring to be a lowly shopping basket. I had dreams you know. I wanted to travel, see the mall. I here there are baskets up in the women's dreams section that can send a basket over the edge." Sighed the basket.

"Whatever!" replied the cat reaching for a silk shirt with purple inlay frills.

Kryten entered the dark room, his night vision was cutting through the gloom, he was quickly able to make his way to his destination.

He tutted as he noticed the coffee cup still on the console as if left by someone just now but in reality it was millions of years old. His fingers brushed it as he attempted to pick it up but it crumbled to dust as he made contact.

He tried the console, a single tap to the screen and a series of lights began to flicker on followed by a greeting.

'Welcome to Mall security, please state your clearance.'

Kryten tutted, knowing full well he had none. "Err computer, I am a guest to the mall and looking for the last security log please could you provide it to me." He tried.

The computer remained silent for a couple of moments and then brought up a log.

Kryten scanned the log at speed.

"Oh my." He said as he reached about half way through.

"Oh dear, oh dear I must find the others." He said as he finished.

**Next time: Lister meets a new friend....**


	3. Somethings here

**OK here it is, the next chapter, and things start to get interesting for the gang. I am loosing a little heart on writing now, so reviews would be timely. I have no next chapter written, but plenty of ideas.**

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_1810hrs Music Store - The Mall_

Inside the music store, Lister picked up the triple fender guitar with optional play it like a god mode and strummed.

The guitar burst into life and a perfect cord emitted from it.

"The Axe man is back!" proclaimed Lister.

He tried another cord.

The guitar purred once more.

"Yeessss BRUTAL!"

Lister swung it across his back and continued to look around. That was when he heard the noise, only very faint but definitely something or somebody was here.

"Tap Tap Tap"

Yes there it was again. Lister fumbled in his pocket and took out the walkie talkie Kryten had issued them all with. He held it close to his mouth and hit the transmit button, then in a hushed whisper he radioed Kryten.

"Kryten man, can you hear me? Are you there man?"

A slight pause and then the small unit burst into life as Krytens voice loudly emitted from its tiny speakers.

"Yes Mr David sir I can, are you OK?" asked Kryten unaware of the need to talk quietly.

Lister found the volume knob and turned it down, glancing around to see if who or what had heard. He scanned the store, nope nothing moved.

"Listen man, there is something here, something alive." Said Lister into his unit.

He waited and then Krytens voice came though only quieter this time but with a more urgent tone. "Sir, you must leave at once, something has happened here, something most terrible."

Lister gulped and asked Kryten the question he did not really want to know. "Like what?"

"Well, it seems all the Holograms have got….." The radio went silent, the last bit did not come through. Lister looked down at the walkie talkie and tried a couple of experimental tabs on his palm. Krytens voice came back through.

"It's most awful sir, you have to come back now." Finished Kryten.

Lister hurriedly hit the transmit button. "What's so terrible? You are breaking up Kryten."

At the other end of the link Kryten heard only part of Listers message. He examined his device and tutted as he noted the label on the base. 'Made on Mars'.

Back in the store Lister hit the device again, and noticed with alarm that the red light on top had faded. '_SMEG BATTERIES!_' he thought.

"Tap Tap Tap"

Listers eyes flicked up from the device towards where he thought the sound was coming from.

He followed the sound to the rear of the store.

Tap Tap Tap

It seemed to becoming from behind the counter.

"Hello anyone there?" he ventured.

No reply but he noticed that the tapping had stopped.

He gingerly looked over the counter. Pressed deep into the recess of the space under it was a girl, probably late teens or so he guessed.

"Err Hello." He tried.

Suddenly she flinched as almost seeing him for the first time and huddled further back into the counter.

"Hey it's OK, I won't hurt you. What's you name?" asked Lister.

No answer, she just twitched again.

"It's alright, I won't hurt you. You got a name?"

"Sam." Replied the girl in quite voice.

"Hi Sam, I'm Lister, Dave Lister. Are you here alone?" asked Lister.

She looked up him, fear in her eyes. "That depends on what you mean alone." She said.

He noticed the H on her forehead.

"You're a Hologram." Stated Lister.

She simply nodded.

"Err my mate, well he's not actually my mate but he's my bunk mate, oh smeg that sounds bad. We have a Hologram on Red Dwarf. That's where I am from, and you?"

"The Mall" was all she said.

"You're from the mall?" asked Lister.

She nodded again.

"OK, well nice to meet you Sam It's a pretty cool place you got here." Said Lister looking round the store.

She seemed to like that and a small smile crept across her lips.

"You like music huh? Me too." Ventured Lister.

"I play the guitar, but between you and me I'm a bit crap." Said Lister.

"Music is about self expression not what others think." Blurted the girl.

"Right, yeah I can dig that." Said Lister.

Lister looked down at his watch and realised he needed to head back to find the others. "Err I got to meet some friends, do you want to come?" he asked.

She seemed to think it over, then asked.

"What time is it?"

"Err it's six thirty pm." Said Lister looking at his watch again.

"OK, but we have to be back by eight." She said sternly.

"Why, is that when your mum wants you home?" Joked Lister.

She looked sternly at him. "No it's when they come." She said seriously.

"Who?" asked Lister not really wanting the answer, he already was starting to get a bad feeling about all of this.

"The others, the other Holograms." She said.

"What's wrong with that?" asked Lister.

"They are not very well." Was all she said, she got up and headed for the door.

'_There is was again, Holograms, and not well. What the smeg is going on here._' Thought Lister as he followed the girl. He was about to ask her what not very well meant but as he stepped through the door back outside an alarm began to sound.

"Smeg, it's this guitar round me neck, must have some sort of security tag." Stated Lister.

Sam disappeared for a moment, and only returned once the sound stopped. "Mall security system. We better go, the security droid will be on his way."

Lister did not like the sound of that one bit and so headed back to the cart with Sam.

The two of them climbed into the cart and sped off towards the lift.

* * *

_1845 hrs Outside Holo Store_

Rimmer swaggered about outside the Holo store. His new _adjustment_was taking some getting used too. It actually affected the way he walked. He looked down at his watch. 18:45 hours. No sign of Listy and the others, '_oh well plenty to see and do without them.' _he thought.

He wanted to check out the military model section, according to the mall map there was over 4 stores in this mall alone.

He found his cart and headed off.

* * *

_1900hrs Central Mall_

Listers cart exited the lift and he and Sam parked up next to the waiting Kryten.

"Alright Kryten, this is Sam." Said Lister.

"Hello Miss, err sir might I have a word in private." Said Kryten trying not too look suspicious but totally failing in the process.

"Sure Kryten, won't be a minute Sam." He said hopping out of the cart and going over to join Kryten.

The two of them walked away from Sam, and when Kryten felt sure they were at a safe enough distance not to be overheard he leaned in towards Lister and spoke in a sincere tone.

"Sir, something terrible has happened to this mall."

"You are telling me, the smegging McKebab is closed!" retorted Lister.

"No sir, far more serious, our lives are in danger. We have to leave." Said Kryten urgently.

Lister looked at his friend, he was clearly worried. "Yeah, you said that already, but why? I mean I still want to check out the ladies Underwear section in Galactic M&S." said Lister. "

"Sir, I am afraid moob bra shopping will have to wait."

Lister looked offended. "Hey, steady on there. Are you saying I've put on a few pounds?" asked Lister.

"I am sorry sir, frankly yes. I have been secretly sewing in extra lining into your t-shirts, that is how they still manage to fit you." Said Kryten.

Lister looked himself up and down. OK so he had put on a few features here and there, but there was no way he had man boobs.

Kryten looked back at Sam and then back to Lister. "Sir, if I may continue, there has been a terrible outbreak."

"What kind of outbreak?" asked Lister who was idly testing his belly bounce.

"It seems a virus got into the mall and has infected the resident Holograms." Said Kryten peering back at Sam who was sitting still in the cart tapping the console.

"Well that's alright then, we aren't Holograms are we Kryters." Said Lister looking pleased.

"No sir we are not, but she is and more importantly Mr Rimmer is." Said Kryten.

"Oh yeah, that's true. What's this virus all about?" asked Lister.

"Well from what I could get from the security system it is a hologram version of a humanoid virus called Solanum." Replied Kryten.

"Hey I have heard of that, the virus they found to cause the teenager stroppy syndrome?" asked Lister.

"Not quite, but you are close. It's more common name is the Zombie Virus." Replied Kryten.

Recollection showed on Listers face. "Zombie virus. Yeah I remember seeing that news report about an early Venus colony. Apparently they had a major outbreak there and it took them 50 years to clean up." Said Lister.

"Indeed sir, but this one seems to infect Holograms, hard light ones in particular." Finished Kryten looking once more at Sam.

"Oh I see, you think she might have it. Well she does not look much like a zombie to me Kryten."

Lister held out his hand in front of him and checked of each digit as he spoke. "Let's see, no crazy slow arms out walking, check. No moaning for no reason, check, and no bits of body parts hanging off, check. I'd say she was clean."

Krytens voice dropped to a more spooky tone. "It might not be showing in her yet, you never know."

"OK, look I'll ask her." Said Lister walking back over to Sam.

As he approached him she looked at him square in the face. "You know don't you? You know about the virus, well I am not one of them!"

Lister looked surprised, it was not like he and Kryten had been shouting about the news. How had she heard them?

"Errr yeah, we know, it's OK will get you out of here." Said Lister holding up his hands to reassure her.

She looked up at him, fear in her eyes. '_They knew_' she thought. Was this good or bad. Would they slow her down or help her, she decided to risk it.

"See Kryten she is clean." Said Lister looking back over at the slowly approaching Kryten.

"Miss, would you mind if I scanned you with the Pci-scan?" asked Kryten.

She looked at him and then back to Lister who smiled at her. "Sure go ahead." She said holding her arms out to her sides like she was about to be frisked.

Kryten turned on the scanner and passed it in front of her and waited for the resulting beep.

Beep went the device.

He looked down at the results and then looked up with a relieved smile on his face.

"Oh thank goodness for that, you are clean miss." He said.

Kryten read the rest of the results and saw a couple of interesting facts. "Sir, it seems Miss Sam here has hearing far beyond that of a normal hologram and her hologram mussel is off the chart."

They both looked at her.

"Its standard mall software, the hearing is so we can monitor all transactions and any possible criminal gangs that might work the mall and the strength and speed is so we can act as security if needed." Stated Sam without being asked.

She had been looking about in a nervous manner for sometime now and finaly she had to ask.

"Can we can go back now please, it's getting dangerously close to their time!" she said more urgently.

* * *

_2000 hours Military section_

Rimmer walked into the military figure store and beamed as he saw a replica set of Napoleon and his army on a shelf. He looked at the price tag. '50000 Dollar Pounds.' He winced as he remembered how Lister and he had sent his own set off to a fiery grave when they had been marooned on a frozen moon.

He moved on and spotted a model, that made his spine tingle. He didn't need to read the label he knew who this was, Alexandra the Great. He reached down and carefully picked up the small figure in his hand. As he lifted it away from the shelf the lights flickered but then remained stable. '_Odd_' thought Rimmer.

As he set the tiny figure back on the shelf he noticed the shuffling noise coming from the back of the store. Rimmer left Alexandra and gingerly went to investigate. The sound seemed to be coming from behind a door marked 'No Public Access'. Well that was good enough for Rimmer he made to go, but then he heard it. Rimmer heard the low moan from behind the door.

"Errr Hello, is anyone there?" he quietly asked.

No reply from behind the doors.

"I said Hello, is anyone there?" repeated Rimmer.

"ErrrooooAAAAaa" replied the voice.

'_Very odd, must be a local dialect or something' _Thought Rimmer.

Rimmer then made a very foolish choice; he pushed the door open just a little, just enough to peer though. He jumped back as a blank looking face moaned inches from his own on the other side of the cap. The doors thankfully swung closed towards Rimmer and the weight of what ever he had seen pressed the doors firmly shut.

Rimmer backed away rapidly. '_Time for a swift exit, enough shopping._' He thought.

Outside on the gangway he found the lighting to have changed. It seemed darker now, he glanced down at his watch. '20:10'. '_Maybe they have late night shopping lighting._' He thought.

He heard the moaning again, only this time it was not coming from inside the shop, it seemed to becoming from below him.

He went to the edge of the balcony and looked over. Rimmer gripped the cold metal tightly in between his hologramatic hands, his mouth wide open and his hologramitic knuckles white, he was not sure what he was seeing but every inch of him knew it was not good.


	4. The Horde

**So it continues, the horde are awakened and the gang go on the run. Enjoy!**

_20:00 hours Main Mall meeting point_

Lister watched as the lights at the far end of the mall go out one by one. A dark wall slowly charged towards him and the others.

"Err guys, I think it might be time to do a spot of skedaddling." Said Lister jumping into the cart next to Sam.

Kryten nodded. "I agree we should make a retreat, but what about the Car and Mr Rimmer?"

"OK, we go get the Cat first then Rimmer. Kryten you get on the walkie talky to him and I'll scan the store database to see if we can figure out where Rimmer is. In the mean time that darkness is heading this way, so I suggest we go the other, agreed?"

Both Kryten and Sam nodded and the three set off in the opposite direction to the darkness.

Kryten tried to reach the Cat several times, but got no response. "It's no good sir, I just get static."

"SMEG." Said Lister who had also drawn a blank on finding Rimmer, there was just too many places he could be.

Sam who had been quietly watching the darkness behind grow nearer, voiced her burning concern.

"We need to find somewhere secure, somewhere to hide and soon." She said urgently.

Kryten called over from the other cart. "I agree we should wait until the next Hologram cycle change and see if it is safe again."

Lister nodded. "OK, but we still need to find the Cat and Rimmer, we can't simply leave them to who or whatever these things turn out to be guys."

Kryten scanned the path ahead and something far above caught his eye.

"Sir I believe I have found Mr Rimmer." Said Kryten pointing up and ahead.

"Where, I can't see him." Said Lister his eyes straining.

Sams hologramatic eyes, sharper than regular human eyes could see him. "You mean the guy with the short black hair and the deathly white complexion and an extremely worried look on his face." Asked Sam.

"Yeah sounds like Rimmer. OK head for the nearest lift we will go and get him." Said Lister.

* * *

Rimmer watched as far below the scene played out before him. Far behind two golf carts he could see the lights of the mall shutting down one by one and if he strained he could make out dozens and dozens of figures walking inside the darkened area. He watched as one of the karts seemed to slow then both sped up and headed for a set of lifts. He watched them enter and the doors close with the lights now almost upon them. Rimmer noted with some relief that the lights on his floor had remained fully on.

He watched as the lift began to ascend and as it came closer he realised with great relief that it contained Kryten, Lister and someone he did not know. He took his own cart round to the lift doors and waited for it to arrive.

* * *

Lister looked out of the glass lift as they slowly rose up the shaft. What he saw made no sense, below him the lights on the ground floor mall had been turned off a faint glow showed shadows. He could swear that he saw people walking or rather stumbling about.

"Is that them?" he asked pointing to the floor below.

Sam nodded. "Yes, the walking dead dead."

"Dead Dead?" questioned Lister.

"You know, Holograms are dead but these ones are dead inside too." Said Sam.

"Are we safe up here?" asked Lister.

Sam looked at Lister "For now, but that is not all of them, this place when fully operational had over 10,000 holograms."

"10,000." Stuttered Kryten, "Oh my."

"Look well be OK, we will find somewhere to hold up until morning and then load up and get out." Said Lister optimistically.

The lift stopped moving and the doors slid open to reveal Rimmer.

"Lister am I glad to see you, you would not believe the day I have had." Blurted out Rimmer.

Lister and Kryten drove there carts out of the lift and stepped out to join Rimmer on the balcony edge.

"Rimmer man, you smeghead why'd you run off like that?" said Lister looking Rimmer up and down, something was not quite right with Rimmer.

Rimmer made a move to hide his man hood with his hands which Lister spotted.

"And what the smeg have you done to that!" said Lister pointing at Rimmers groin.

Rimmer glanced down then back at Lister. "Nothing."

"Nothing, it looks like you are packing half a German sausage down you kecks." Said Lister averting his eyes.

Rimmers nostrils began to flare. "LOOK LISTER, if I want to make slight alterations to my appearance then that's my business not yours OK!"

Lister held up his hands. "OK, don't get tetchy about it man."

"Well, I think we have more important matters to worry about Lister, including what the smeg is going on with that lot down there and who this is." Finished Rimmer pointing at Sam.

"Err she's a Mall hologram Rimmer, I found her in the Music store. Sam this is Rimmer, Rimmer, Sam" Said Lister pointing to each in turn.

"What, I thought the scanners said this place was devoid of life." Said Rimmer.

"Technically it is, the hologram projection system does not always show up on scans sir." Said Kryten.

"So, what the heck is going on here then?" asked Rimmer

"Err I think I can answer that sir. It seems the holograms in Mall have contracted some sort of Zombie virus." Said Kryten.

Rimmers eyes opened wide. "Zombies aren't real, you goit. They are stories told to children and made up by Americans who have too many guns to play with, in the vain hope that one day the zombie horde will rise up and they will be called upon with big betty to wipe them out. I've seen it a dozen times in the movies." Stated Rimmer making a cocking motion with his hands as if holding a pump action shot gun.

Kryten shook his head. "I am afraid sir you are quite wrong. In fact before I left on the Nova 5 there had been another outbreak back on earth. Some say the hologram virus was linked to a radical group that protested against the idea of life after death for Holograms. It was suggested that they released the virus with the hope that living humans world rising up to destroy all holograms." Said Kryten.

"And did it work?" asked Rimmer.

"I am afraid I don't know, we left the system before the situation was resolved sir." Stated Kryten.

"Great, so we have a bunch of hologram zombies that are out to kill us." Said Rimmer.

"Not quite sir, they are out to kill Mr Lister and myself but you and Miss Sam are most likely to be targeted as new zombie recruits for the virus." Said Kryten looking worried.

"Great, my dairy has changed from dieing to walking around with my arms outstretched and a vocabulary of one syllable. Typical, I get to spend the rest of eternity like Lister here after a night out on the curry." Tutted Rimmer.

"Maybe not, if we can find somewhere to hold up and we can hide out till morning when the hologram program resets, then we can scarper." Said Lister looking down at the shadows below.

"Gets my vote, let's go find a hole to hide in." Rimmer said who was half climbing back into his cart.

"Hang on captain rocket pants, first we need to find the Cat, agreed?" said.

"What, Oh I'm sure he can take care of himself, he's great at exploring small spaces." Said Rimmer.

"No way, we go get him then we hide. GOT IT!" pressed Lister firmly.

* * *

_2020 hours_

The Cat was trying on his 110th outfit of the afternoon when he heard the low moan from behind him. He turned and saw the hologram lurch slowly across the shop floor towards him.

"Great, at last someone to help. HEY, buddy I need something in bright pink." stated the Cat.

"AARRRrroooOOO" replied the Zombie.

The Cat looked puzzled, this was not what he expected to occur on a shopping trip.

"I said something in pink, preferably with out frills and defiantly no shoulder pads." Repeated the Cat.

The zombie lurched forward, only held back slightly by the mass of discarded cloths that surrounded the Cat.

The Cat went back to examining himself in the mirror, when he heard another moan next to him. A second hologram Zombie had managed to work its way almost to his side. The Cat smiled.

"Hey more help, things are looking up." He beamed. He took off the jacket he was wearing and flung it across the outstretched zombies arms. "I don't like this one, get me something in blue statin." Grinned the Cat.

"AAARRRRooooEEAAAa" replied the Zombie making a grab for the Cats neck.

The Cat unaware of the zombies deadly intent avoided the crab by bending forward and picking up a scarf that had fallen on the floor in front of him. He turned to face the attacking Zombie, holding up the staff in its face.

"Hey, I need some advice is this OK with this top or do you think I need something in violet?" he asked the Zombie.

It swept the scarf aside, knocking it from the Cats hands.

"That's what I thought, so last season." It was then that the Cat noticed that his personal assistant seemed to be a little distant from his task.

"Look buddy, you look like you could do with some sleep. I need people sharp on the job, if I am going to refit my wardrobe, so how about you find me someone else to help?" said the Cat his teeth at full grin.

The Zombie grabbed the Cats sleeve and started to pull.

"Hey, what you doing man, I found this one first, it's mine!" yelled the Cat.

Meanwhile the other zombie had fallen on the pile of clothes and was now crawling towards his legs.

The Cat looked down at the stricken assistant. "Hey, are you guys OK, you don't look so good?" he asked.

"Arrrooooaaa" replied both Zombies.

The crawling zombie crabbed the Cats leg and made to bite him.

"Heeeyyy, what's the big idea!!" shouted the Cat, pulling away from his two attackers.

Both lurched and crawled after him. Something inside the Cat finally told him that these two individuals were not here to help him choose the next fashion line in space suit trim but rather were more intent on what colour his insides would be for lunch.

The Cat leap backwards out of the pairs reach. He whistled for the basket, which appeared heaving with the Cats purchases and the two headed for the stores exit.

"Sir!" called the basket.

The Cat, ignored him and continued towards the exit.

"Sir, we have to pay for these goods before I can leave the store." Pleaded the basket who was clearly struggling to maintain hover height under the weight.

The Cat stopped and turned on the little basket. "Listen budd, you can stay here and face those two or you can bring my fantastic selection with you and come see the Mall. Either way I'm out of here!" said the Cat turned back and resuming his course towards the exit.

The basket seemed to sway, then with renewed height it blurted out. "Wait for me!" and hovered after him.

As the two passed over through the exit alarms sounded and lights flashed.

"Awwooooo what is this?" screeched the Cat.

"Security!" said the basket. "I knew this would happen. They will take me away; lock me up in storage never to see the light of Mall again. Never will I feel the soft touch of a tank top with fluffy elbows. Never will I know the joy of being free to roam the store." Wailed the basket.

"Listen bud, we go bigger problems." Said the Cat as the two zombies from inside the store lurched towards the exit. He jumped into his cart and hit the power. The basket managed to slot itself next to him and the two sped off down the walkway leaving the sirens and lights of the store flashing behind them.

Lister and the others heard the sirens before they saw the Cat.

"Hey, there he is!" pointed Rimmer who was now sitting next to Kryten in his cart.

"Yeah and look who he's got on his tail." Shouted over Lister.

All of them could not help notice the mass of bodies slowly lurching along the walkway far behind the Cat.

"Smeg, he's gone into that store, what's he doing!" said Lister.

Rimmer strained to see. "Looks like he's gone in to get some new shoes by the look of the store name. Kicking Good Shoes, I believe."

"Quick, lets get to him before that lot get any closer." Urged Lister, pressing his small carts peddles further into the already well pressed position.

The two carts whizzed across the smooth floor covering the ground quickly between them and the store the Cat had disappeared into.

They jumped off the carts and headed inside, Lister taking a glance down the walkway to the approaching horde. "We don't have long guys, we need to get in and get out."

Inside the shoe store, Lister called out. "CAT! CAT! Where are you?"

The Cat, walked out in ridiculously high Cuban heels.

"Awwwoooo now these were meant for walking!" screeched and twirled the Cat.

Rimmer tutted then spoke sternly to the Cat. "Come on you stupid moggy, we need to go! Haven't you seen the Zombie horde out there?"

The Cat stopped and looked at them. "Zombie what?"

Rimmer made an impression of the Zombies, his arms outstretched and head on one side while making a lurching movement and EERrrrrr noise.

"Oh those fellas, yeah I ran into a couple earlier, didn't say munch and useless fashion advice." Said the Cat.

Waiting by the door Sam popped her head out of the door and looked towards the mass of bodies heading their way. They had covered the ground faster than she had hoped and were now dangerously close. She slammed the doors closed and turned to the others.

"Errrr guys, it's to late we are stuck in here!" she said looking worried.

The Cat smiled. "That's fine by me, I've still got another 20 rows of shoes to try."

Lister ran back to the door, he looked them up and down. "These doors are never going to hold, Kryten mate give me a hand with this unit."

He and Kryten dragged the large shoe rack across the door way just as the horde outside reached the doors and started banging on them.

"Guys we need something else." Stated Lister looking around.

Rimmer who had retreated to a safe distance was looking very pale. "There isn't anything else it's all bolted down!"

"SMEG." Said Lister watching the number of Zombie bodies grow outside the glass doors.

Kryten eyed the situation up. "Sir by my calculations that door will hold for roughly 3 minutes and 20 seconds. I suggest Mr Rimmer starts practicing his moaning."

Lister clenched his fists. "No smegging way, we are getting out, ALL of us."

Sam meanwhile had been scanning their location and spotted what she was looking for.

"Hey, I know how we can get out here!" she said pointing up to one of the air vents.

"OH NO, not the air vents, we always end up going round in circles in those things." Said Rimmer to the group.

"Look man, it's the vents or a new look delivered to yours personally by that lot out there, I know what gets my vote." Said Lister heading over to Sam.

Sam climbed up the shoe rack shelving with remarkable ease, and soon reached the vent. Giving it a tug it popped open and swung down on one side. She pulled her self up into the small space and disappeared.

Lister looked on. "Hey, I think she's done that before." He said to the others.

Her head soon popped back out of the vent. "Yep, we should be able to get right along this wing, come on up." She called.

Lister looked at the Cat. "Up you go."

"Hey, I haven't finished with my shopping yet, can't Goal Post head go next?" said the Cat glaring at Rimmer.

The Banging got louder at the door and the stack infront of it started to slowly budge.

"Look we don't have time, just go." Said Lister.

The Cat, lightly footed sprang up the shelf and disappeared after Sam.

Lister looked at Kryten. "Right you next Kryten."

Kryten held up his hands in Protest. "I can't sir, space core regulations state I must lay down my life before that of a Human. You or Mr Rimmer must go next.

"Fine, Rimmer start climbing man." Said Lister pointing to the hole.

Rimmer gingerly climbed the shelf, several times loosing his footing, but finally made it into the vent.

"Right Kryten, just you can me." Said Lister glancing at the door with a worried look on his face.

"Indeed sir, please start climbing I will hold them off." Said Kryten moving to brace himself against the frame of the barrier.

"OK, but as soon as I'm clear, you get your mechanical arse up there fast." Said Lister starting to climb the lower runs of the shelving.

Kryten looked over from his position at the door. "Don't worry sir, these mechanical buns are ready to shift."

Lister pulled himself up into the shaft and was greeted by Rimmers behind. "Hey come on Rimmer, what's the hold up." He asked.

"Nothing, it's just dark." Came back a nervous sounding Rimmer.

"Just go will you." Said Lister giving Rimmer a nudge from behind.

"OK, OK." Said Rimmer moving off slowly down the shaft.

Lister looked out of the hatch down at Kryten. "Come on Kryten, let's go!" he called.

Krytens frame was being buffeted about by the jolts of surge from behind the closed doors. He was worried that if he let go, a wave of Hologram hardlight zombies would crush him.

"It's OK sir, you go, I'll hold them off." Said Kryten looking up at Listers head that was poking out of the hole.

"You what, no way man, what you going to do, beat them to death with the wet end of your groinal attachment? Get up here NOW!"

Kryten was worried, he liked being alive and had no desire to meet the makers in silicon heaven just yet. He gave an almighty shove and made for the shelving. The doors quickly broke open and a wave of bodies missed him by inches. He began the climb up the shelf only to find his left leg griped by a female zombie with a name tag that read. 'I'm Cara your personal masseur.' Kryten kicked out with his leg and apologised to Cara has her hardlight image flickered and she let go.

"Sorry mam, no time for a massage right now!" he stated to the fallen zombie.

He continued to climb and soon found himself out of reach from the mass of flailing arms below. He was just beginning to think he had made it when the pressure from the horde below began to topple the shelf. He reached up to the waiting arms of Lister.

"crap Kryten hold on to me arms!" called Lister.

Kryten clasped Listers hands tightly.

"Arrrhhhhhh." Cried out Lister as the fall weight of Kryten hit his arms.

"Rimmer, I need you help, RIMMER I CAN'T HOLD HIM!" called Lister.

A short way down the vent Rimmer heard Listers call for aid. His urge for self preservation nagged at him to continue on, to survive. '_Leave them, they are weak_.' It stated in his mind. Rimmer fault the nausea feeling '_No_' thought Rimmer and returned to Listers side. He gripped an arm of Krytens while Lister move his now free hand to support Krytens other arm. Even so the two of them still could not lift him up and into the Vent.

Kryten looked up at them, his face calm. "It's no good sirs, let me go. You go, I have had a good service life span."

Lister gritted his teeth. "No way man, no smegging way!" but still they only managed to pull him up another inch or two.

Kryten began to release his finger grip.

"No you smegging don't man." Said Lister gripping Krytens arms tighter.

Then Rimmer remembered his purchase from the Holo store. He let go with one hand and grimaced at the pain that hot up his arm. Now with his free hand he reached round to his pocket and pulled the small software slug out of his pocket. He snapped the end of and pressed his thumb firmly onto the transmitting key.A warm glow washed over him and then faded. He dropped the slug and returned his grip on Kryten and pulled. To his and Listers surprised he slowly lifted the dangling Kryten up and into the hole.

"WOW Rimmer, how did you do that?" asked Lister collapsing back out of the way.

"Holo Strength software, brought it at the holo store." Said Rimmer simply.

"Well thank god for software upgrades." Said Lister picking himself up and looking at the horde of zombies below them. "Right let's go."

* * *

The three if them caught the other two up at a junction.

Sam turned to greet them. "Which way do you want to go? I think that way takes up over the Super foods section and this way over the Military hardware section."

The Cat sighed. "What a dilemma. We either eat and die or fight and die."

Rimmer spoke. "I vote for the hardware, at least we might stand more of a chance."

Lister nodded. "I agree. Kryten?"

"Sir, we have no idea of knowing if a) there is any live ammo for sale or b) if it will work on Hologram zombies. It would therefore be logical to go to the food and last out still morning."

All three turned to Sam, awaiting her own comment.

_**To be continued….**_

**And there it ends for now. I have decided I might write two endings. A kick arse ending for those gun porn lovers and a RD get out of jail version for more of a classic dwarf feel.**


	5. Ending Choice

**As promised I have created two endings, both very different. One I like to think in a more classic dwarf style and one for the gun porn lovers. If you want to read the classic just flick on to the next chapter '4000 series to the rescue', if you want to read the gun porn one, go to the last chapter 'My that's a big gun sir!.'**

**Thanks to all for reading, hope you like. Reviews very welcome please.**

**PS: I have nothing against car park attendants, they just happen to have very dull sounding jobs.**


	6. 4000 Series to the rescue!

Sam looked at the three men and machine huddled in the small space of the vent and made a decision that she hoped she would not later regret.

"There is a third option." She said out loud.

"Yeah go on." Said Lister looking hopeful.

"Before the virus took hold, I had friends, friends in the Holo Hat circle." She said, but was interrupted by Rimmer.

"OH really how very nice, friends huh, and how does this help us exactly!"

"Well, my friends were hologram program hackers and they were working on a cure before." She stooped going quite and looking sullen.

"Before what?" asked the Cat.

She pulled herself together and continued. "Before they got infected too." She finished.

"And did these dudes finish the cure?" asked Lister.

"I think so, I was left this by them." She said holding out a small computer slug in the palm of her hand.

"What is it?" asked the Cat.

"I believe it's a Mainframe computer slug, more commonly used for Mainframe program enhancement uploads." Said Kryten inspecting the device.

"Yes that's right, but I have not been able to up-link with the Mainframe to try it, but you might be able to help." She said looking at Kryten.

"Mechinoids have a mainframe interface socket do they not Kryten." She asked.

"Why yes, standard issue on the 4000 issue mam." Said Kryren looking pleased at being helpful.

The others all looked at him until he twigged.

"Oh, well spin my nibble nuts, I can upload the cure can't I. Let me see, I'll need a Mainframe terminal."

Sam intervened. "Should be one about three rooms along in the local security office."

Kryten continued. "a screwdriver set."

Lister chipped in. "Easy, there is bound to be something lying around."

"and a wet wipe." Finished Kryten.

"A wet wipe, what's that for?" inquired Rimmer.

"I'm not sticking my interface into any old dirty socket." Replied Kryten.

Lister and the Cat smirked and Rimmer chastised them. "Oh come on you two grow up."

"Sounds like a plan to me, let's find Kryters something to interface with." Said Lister still smirking.

* * *

Lister, Sam and Kryten peered out of the ceiling vent down into the security room, behind them the Cat fidgeted while Rimmer muttered to himself.

"Hey what can you see?" asked the Cat trying to get a view.

Lister turned around and made a motion to be quite.

"Hey Shhhh man, the coast looks clear but we don't want to invite any friends to the party."

The Cat frowned. "Hey, we are having a party, why did no one tell me, I'm not dressed for partying and anyway aren't we meant to be finding this Maingame thingy?"

Rimmer sighed. "No you stupid moggy, he means the Zombies, we don't want to invite the zombies."

The Cat raised his eyebrows. "Hey I'm not stupid, of course we don't want to invite the zombies. I mean they would ruin the atmosphere for one, all that moaning and groaning."

"I'm going down there guys, be ready to pull me back up at the first sign of trouble." Said Lister dropping down into the small security room below.

He looked around at the banks of blank security screens and panels with lights and zone numbers. He started to search the draws, paper clips, rubber pencils, half eaten boiled sweet, bingo, screw driver set.

He looked up at Kryten and Sams faces in the vent. "I've got the set, it looks clear Kryters come on down.

Kryten, Sam and the others each dropped to the floor, Rimmer took the longest, half dangling in mid air as he refused to let go. In the end Kryten and Lister had to hang on his legs to get him to drop.

Kryten turned to Lister who appeared to be sucking something. "Err sir, that's not what I think it is in your mouth is it?" said Kryten looking slightly disgusted.

Lister raised his hands in protest. "What? Findsee keepsee is my moto."

"Well I just hope you don't catch anything, now if you would step to one side, I will see if I can interface with this terminal."

Lister moved aside and rolled the sweet from one side of his mouth to the other.

"Arr yes here we go. Mam can I have the slug please." Said Kryten snapping open one of his fingers to revel a socket.

Sam passed him the small slug and watched as he slotted into his finger housing.

Kryten twitched for a second then pulled a small lead from his waist and plugged it into the terminal.

"Not long now, just need to run my interface program. Interface program complete, downloading software. Won't be long now." Said Kryten tapping his fingers together.

Rimmer tutted. "I hate this bit, always takes forever downloading, now matter how fast you think your connection is, somehow it takes too dam long."

The Cat who had wondered off stuck his head around the corner of the entrance door. "Hey, I don't mean to be all down beat, but I agree with goalpost head. It's just I think we've got company."

A low moan resonated down the corridor outside the room.

"Smeg, they have found us. How long Kryten." Said Lister.

"Two minutes." Said Kryten.

"Rimmer help me move this cabinet in front of the door." Said Lister grabbing one side of the large metal frame.

They half slid half dragged the cabinet into position as the first thuds rained down on the door from outside.

Rimmer had a thought that troubled him. "How long will this cure take to work?" he asked.

Sam shook her head. "I don't know."

Lister turned to Krytern. "Any ideas Kryters?"

"It seems it should be fairly quick once the cure reaches the infected code. There all done, the cure is uploaded" Said Kryten unplugging the interface lead from his finger and snapping it back into place.

"So we sit here and wait do we, and hope that Mr and Mrs Zombie out there don't make it too us before this cure makes it to them." Said Rimmer crouching on the floor.

The banging on the door seemed to grow louder. Then they noticed that Sam had started juddering in the corner. Slowly at first but now was almost a blurr of mixed colour. Finally she stopped, and clasped onto the floor. The banging outside stopped too.

"Has it worked?" asked the Cat.

"Either that, or they have decided to go for a pizza?" said Rimmer sarcastically.

Lister looked at Kryten who was bending over Sam. "Best guess some sort of Hologramatic sleep cycle." He said to the questioning look on Listers face.

Rimmer and Lister pulled the cabinet aside and Lister slowly opened the door to the smallest of gaps. He peered out. Outside he could see two figures lying still and on their backs.

"Great so until they and she wakes up we are not going to know if it's worked or if we are locked in here with a newly made zombie. I say we move her outside and close the door." Said Rimmer.

"Smeg off Rimmer, no ones moving anyone. It'll worked OK." Said Lister firmly.

Ten minutes pasted until finally a groan came from Sams lips.

"Oh smeg, see I told you." Said Rimmer.

"Wait a sec, that's not a zombie moan. Sam can you hear me?" said Lister leaning over her.

Her eyes flicked open and she grinned. "Yes thanks, what about the others?"

Lister looked back to see the Cat looking out of the door and grinning.

"I'd say things are just fine." Said Lister seeing the excited look on the Cats face.

* * *

The Mall bustled with holograms. Everywhere they looked someone was going to or fro from shop to shop or person to person. The place had really come alive. Sam walked over from her friends to Lister and the crew.

"Is that them then, the holo hats?" asked Lister nodding to the group she had just left.

"Yes, that's them, they say thanks." Said Sam giving Lister a kiss on the cheek.

"Hey what's that for?" said Lister smirking.

"That's thank you from me, if you and your friends had not come along I would still be hiding under that counter. But now look, the Mall is alive again." She said looking around.

"Shame we can't stay." Said Lister.

"Why not, after all you are exclusive customers now." Said Sam winking.

"Let's just say I think we have had enough of shopping for now." Said Lister looking to the others who nodded.

"Well if you ever change your minds, we will be here." Said Sam, turning and re-joining her friends.

Kryten moved closer to Lister. "Sir, there is no reason why we could not stay for a while."

Lister turned to face him. "Yes there is, shes out there somewhere and I'm going to find her." Lister turned and walked towards docking port D and Starbug.

The others shrugged and followed.

**The End.**


	7. My that's a big gun sir!

The Cat dropped soundlessly down onto the floor below the open vent, landing in a crouched position he looked around at the others, and then glanced back up at the open vent to see Rimmers head poking out of the open hole.

"Errr are you absolutely sure it is safe to come down?" asked Rimmer from his position in the vent.

Lister waved to him. "Yeah, come on quick Rimmer."

Rimmer looked down at the floor below; it looked a pretty long way from where he was laying. Heights he had no real problem with, it was more the landing from heights that was the issue. And why oh why he had suggested they tool up, I mean, who did he think he was, Ace Rimmer, and why had she agreed with him. Was it some twisted loyalty to a kindred Hologram or just a death wish that needed scratching. He pushed the thoughts aside and turned his hologramatic body around in the small space and dangled his legs over the edge. '_Here goes._' He thought and pushed himself out of the vent.

Rimmer fell rather than jumped from the vent, and landed badly, arms flailing, he toppled backwards into a pile of shell cases.

The others glared at Rimmer as he dusted himself off, resulting in more noise erupting from the shell cases dropping to the ground around Rimmers feet.

Lister put a finger to his lips. "SSshhhh man, do you want every Zombie in the neighbourhood on our case!"

"I'm sorry." Huffed Rimmer. "But exiting enclosed vents into armouries was not on basic space core training."

"Well from now on let's all keep it down OK, because we don't want those smeggers out there to find us?" said Lister motioning with his hands.

"An excellent plan sir, with one major flaw." Said Kryten sounding slightly worried.

"What flaw?" asked Rimmer.

Kryten pointed to the windows at the front of the store. "They have already found us!" he said going into panic mode.

"OK, calm down, lets tool up and get back to Red Dwarf." Said Lister grabbing a vintage sawn off shot gun with modified laser sight.

Sam appeared from the back of the store. "Nice gun, but I think this might do more damage." She said holding what appeared to be a very sleek looking metal gun.

"What is it?" asked the Cat.

"It's a light particle expander." Said Sam

"A what?" asked the Cat with a confused expression.

"Sir, I believe it's a ray gun, for many decades it was the stuff of science fiction, mostly seen in bad early movies being carried by huge metal creatures, who just happen to be cashing ladies in flowing white gowns. I mean, what would a robot be doing chasing her with a gun, clearly the lady was in distress and needed her garment ironing. An iron would have been far more appropriate." Said Kryten tutting.

"Kryten, wipe that raving drawl from your circuit boards and start to make sense will you." Said Rimmer.

Kryten continued. "What I mean is that they really do exist, science fiction was turned into since fact."

"OK, so it's a ray gun, but what does it do?" asked Lister.

Sam cocked the weapon. "It fires a pulse of light that when coming into contact with any other light will expand it to infinity and thus destroy it. In short, it's a hologram killer."

Rimmer looked shocked. "What, they actually made them. I thought a universal ban was ordered on the development of such a weapon." Said Rimmer his voice slightly tenser at the news of such a dangerous weapon.

"It seems that those rules did not apply to this off world shopping mall." Said Kryten picking up a twin barrel rifle.

Lister looked at him in surprise. "Hang on Kryters, what you doing man, you know you can't take a human life."

"Indeed I can't but these are not human, in fact in the zombie state they are less than car park attendants and so I am free to if you excuse the crude pun, Kick zombie butt!" Said Kryten cocking his weapon.

The Cat reappeared with a grin on his face. He had returned brandishing two silver pulse pistols. "Now, these babies are what my hands were made for." He said spinning them on his fingers.

"All the same, I'll keep the old faithful." Said Lister patting the shotgun.

Rimmer disappeared for a bit, then re-appeared from the back of the store. He was holding a huge beast of a weapon. Lister counted the eight small barrels on the front, and noticed the larger single tube underneath.

"And they say size doesn't matter." He said grinning at Rimmer.

"Well as they used to say in space scouts. The right tool for the right job." Said Rimmer.

"Yeah, but we are not going elephant hunting Rimmer." Said Lister.

"You won't be so critical when this baby gets going. It said on the label that it fires over 2000 lasers per minute, and this model has the optional pulse grenade launcher." Said Rimmer patting the gun.

A noise from the front of the store made them turn and look.

"Well looks like you're going to need to put that baby to work Rimmer, the main doors about to give way." Said Lister looking at the main doors that were bulging under the external pressure of so many hologram zombie bodies.

The five of them stood there in silence as they waited for the inevitable to happen. Looking like something out of an old spaghetti western, they waited.

The door gave way and a surge of zombie holograms tumbled into the front of the store.

"Wait, for it." Said Lister.

"Wait, why wait, let's toast these suckers!" yelled the Cat.

Rimmer did not need any further encouragement and squeezed the trigger gently. The front of his weapon began to spin and hum, this was followed by a shower of blue light that streamed out from Rimmer gun. They punched into the first wave of zombies.

Zombie holograms rapidly expanded out of existence but were quickly replaced by fresh zombies ready to take the place of the fallen.

Realising that Rimmers weapon alone was not enough Lister shouted to the others.

"OK GUYS LET EM HAVE IT!"

He cocked his own weapon with that reassuring clicking sound and squeezed off a round, the nearest Zombie span round and lay fizzing on the floor, its shoulder badly damaged by the blast.

The others followed suit, and soon zombies were being zapped and blasted from every direction.

"IT'S NO GOOD THEY KEEP JUST COMING!" shouted Rimmer in alarm.

Lister let of another volley and turned to Rimmer. "Use the grenade launcher, man." He said mimicking someone throwing a grenade.

Rimmer fumbled with the controls, he had not had time to read the 202 page manual on using and servicing your pulse canon 4000 gun. '_Dam it, which button!'_ he thought as he scanned the options on the side, then he saw it. A big red one with a flame picture on it. He wasted no time, aimed and pressed the button. A hollow thump noise came out of the end of his weapon followed by an explosion of light in the middle of the zombie group.

The light cleared and it seemed that a gap had opened up in the hordes approach.

Rimmer grinned and something inside stirred if only for a second.

Lister pointed and shouted. "LETS GO GUYS!" and led the way out of the store.

No sooner had he stepped out of the door a hand grabbed his neck and thrust him back against the nearby wall. He stared up into the blank eyes of his six foot seven Zombie hologram attacker. '_Trust my luck to get the security guard zombie._' Thought Lister.

"AARROooooo" moaned the Zombie in Listers face.

"AEerrroo" cried Lister back at the zombie followed by a dull click. "SMEG, out of ammo. CAT help!"

The Cat seeing Lister turning deathly white from the grip on his neck sprang to the side of the zombie. It flailed at him with its free hand, but missed.

"Too slow for this kitty, sucker!" mocked the Cat. He raised his gun to the zombies temple and fired. For a moment shock seemed to register on the face then relief followed by nothing as the light flared and it was gone.

"Cheers man, I thought I was a goner for sure." Spluttered Lister rubbing his now red neck.

Rimmer and Sam exited the store and noticed the fresh wave heading towards them.

"Err, time we left and quick, which parking dock did you park in?" asked Sam.

"Bay 2004 dock D mam." Said Kryten who despite his claim at taking on the zombies had failed to shoot one single shot. Inside he had turned the gun on its end and used it like a cricket bat.

"Well I suggest we head that way." Said Sam, pointing down the clear corridor in front of them.

They all nodded and headed off.

Behind them a mass of hologram swaying zombies followed them slowly down the corridor.

"Hey, you know we might make it." Said the Cat optimistically.

"Yeah and Lister here might up his annual bath to bi annual, let's not count our chickens just yet." Said Rimmer.

"I was just saying EERrrrrrr" cried the Cat, as he was dragged backwards into a nearby hemp clothing store.

"Heeyyy oowww anything but hemp, hey Mr zombie, can't you kill me somewhere with decent fabric, like silk, I mean I can do anything with silk.

"AAARRrroooooo" replied the Zombie continuing back towards the hemp clothing store.

"Hey, it's got the Cat, Rimmer stop him you're the closest." Said Lister in desperation.

Rimmer watched as the creature dragged the Cat backwards, it was one thing to blast away at them at a distance but hand to hand, he could be in real danger.

"Sorry can't" cried Rimmer.

"What you mean can't! Rimmer smegging do something." Said Lister frustrated that he could not get a clear shot himself.

Rimmer fell backwards, as a blur pushed past him and crashed into the zombie attacker. The Cat was let go and the blur and the zombie continued on inside the shop.

"What was that?" asked Rimmer picking himself up from the floor.

"I think it was our hologramatic friend Sam." Said Kryten looking around for her.

"Smeg, what's she gone and done." Said Lister who started to approach the shop entrance.

"Sir, we have to go, there is no time." Said Kryten looking urgently at the horde approaching down the corridor.

"No, we can't leave her man, she's all alone, you know like me." Said Lister.

Rimmer grabbed Listers arm, his new found strength holding Lister in place. "No Lister, she's not, she's a hologram. Remember like you said to me when you first came out of stasis just light and stuff." Said Rimmer softly.

"Yeah, but she still deserves better than being stuck here in this place running from zombies all day." Said Lister turning to face Rimmer.

"If we don't go now we will be joining her." Said the Cat brushing the creases out of his jacket.

Lister stopped pulling and said. "OK, I know, come on let's go."

The four, raced away from the now worryingly close mass of bodies.

* * *

"Here it is sir, docking port D." said Kryten pointing at the exit.

"Well I'm going to wait here for a bit, see if she turns up." Said Lister looking hopefully out into the Mall.

Rimmer turned to him. "Sorry Listy but I don't think it's likely, you saw the way that horde swept into the shop after her."

"Yeah I know, but I'm still going to wait for a bit. You and Kryten go warm Starbug up, I'll stay here with the Cat." Said Lister.

"OK" said Rimmer, patting Lister on the shoulder he turned and followed Kryten through the exit.

Lister scanned the mall floor, they had not seen any more signs of the horde since leaving them behind on that upper level. '_What a screwed up mess this place turned out to be._' He thought.

The Cat idly twiddled his guns. "Hey cheer up bud, think of it this way, if she has became a zombie at least she will have more in common with her friends again."

"Cat, that's not helping." Said Lister.

A light flashed on a nearby monitor. "Hey I think something's up with that monitor." Said the Cat.

"What?" said Lister turning to see what the Cat was talking about. A flashing light blipped on and off. He dropped the gun, and ran to the terminal and pressed the screen. Almost instantly an image faded into view.

"SAM?" said Lister.

"Lister, are you and the rest OK?" she asked.

"Yeah we made it back to the docking port, what about you?" asked Lister the concern clearly showing in his voice.

"Oh fine, you know, just having a bit to eat." Smiled Sam.

"Aren't you coming over here, we can work out a way of having two holograms on Red Dwarf we have done it before." Said Lister hopefully.

"There isn't time, it seems that your mechinoid Kryten must have triggered the Malls security virus system, we have less than 5 minutes before the station will run a self destruct, to cleanse the virus from this system." Said Sam.

"Hey that's a bit drastic, can't we shut it down?" asked Lister.

"I don't think so, needs command authorisation, and I think all senior staff are now zombies."

"Oh." Replied Lister simply, realising the fatality of the situation.

"You going to be OK?" asked Lister.

"Sure, just remember me OK? And keep playing that music you love." She said a small hologramatic tear forming in her eye. "Now go, before it's too late." She finished firmly.

Lister nodded and turned to the Cat. "Come on Cat, let's go home."

* * *

Back on board Red Dwarf the four of them stood at the view screen looking out at the flashes of destruction coming from the mall world.

"What a waste." Said Lister.

"Dam right, all those lovely suits." Said the Cat pulling a hankie from his pocket and blowing his nose.

"All that tech, all those dreams people had in building a place like that, and in the end it was destroyed by a simple virus." Said Lister turning to leave.

"Not quite sir, hardly a simply virus, according to the scans I have on the psi-scanner it was very complicated indeed. I think we are lucky to come away as we did, who knows what would of happened if Mr Rimmer here had contracted it." Said Kryten.

"For one, goalpost head might have made more sense." Quipped the Cat.

Lister chuckled and left the room to find his guitar, he had a new song to write.

The End!


End file.
